ArcaMax

Dear Amy: About a year ago, my husband of nine years announced that he wanted to divorce me because "he could not be affirming and affectionate" (compliment me or have sex with me), because he did not admire or respect me (I embarrassed him).

We have been divorced for about six months.

I still cry every day. My heart is crushed and I no longer feel the beauty of the world. I'm anxious because I can't tell if he was right and I am too onerous to tolerate, or if he was neurotic and unforgiving. Presumably both are true to different extents. It's hard for me to imagine being OK again.

So, Amy, where do I go from here? I'm in my early 30s and I worry that the life ahead of me is very long and sad. I'm trying to be useful, but I don't really know what I'm doing here, on my own, without purpose.

How do I become happy again? I'm in therapy, so I don't know if that, on its own, is the answer.

-- Lost Woman in the West

Dear Lost: My first suggestion is that you give yourself permission to displace some of your sadness with righteous anger at his most unkind parting shot.

Weirdly, after being dumped, many people go through a period of feeling defensive toward the person who left. When you do this, you are basically giving that person the right to define you, based on the worst characterization of you on your worst day, during the worst period of your life.

Many people also seem to synthesize their anger through sadness, and that tendency probably goes back to your upbringing and your relationship with your parents and siblings. Explore this with your therapist.

This extreme blow to your psyche is still quite fresh. Yes, you will cry every day.

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