ArcaMax

Dear Amy: I'm a 37-year-old man. My sister is nine years younger than I am.

I had always assumed that our parents treated both of us equally -- financially and otherwise.

My sister was recently looking to buy a home. She asked for my opinion. I told her the home she chose was probably too expensive. She then told me that our parents had already given her the entire down payment as a gift.

I was shocked at how much they had given her, and yes, I was jealous.

My parents gave my wife and me a down payment when we bought our condo. What they gave us was around 10 percent of what they gave my sister.

I asked my sister about this and she said that our folks have also been helping her to pay off her student loans, paid off a credit card debt and give her a "small" allowance each month to supplement her income. She claims she never asked for money from them.

I never received any of that support.

I asked my mom why they've given my sister so much more. She told me that I "understood the world much more," was "brighter" and that I "never needed help."

She said they never worried about me "making it" after college, but they were concerned about my sister. My mom told me they were proud of the fact that I never needed any help.

Amy, I resent my sister and my parents for this standard. Why is it OK to give one child more than the other? Isn't the constant financial support shielding her from the consequences of her choices? I do not have kids, so I do not understand their mindset, and am looking for ways to accept this.

Can you help?

-- Ignored Older Brother

Dear Ignored: Yes, your parents have likely been enabling your sister with various financial gifts and bailouts. Enabling inhibits growth and maturity -- which leads to further bailouts.

Some of their responses to her may be "gendered," in that they believe that a woman is somehow less capable of supporting herself than a man is. Look to your parents' own backgrounds to try to understand their thinking.

The alternative theory is worse than old-fashioned sexism. If your folks truly believe that your sister is relatively dimwitted and helpless -- then what a shame. Now it's time to feel sorry for your sister, who has absorbed the idea that modern life is simply too taxing for her to handle on her own.

Parents almost never treat all of their children completely equally. Some children receive more emotional support, more attention or more financial help -- based on the parents' perceptions of what their needs are at any given time.

The idea is that in happy families, things generally even out in the end. You were right to tell the truth about how this imbalance affects you. You now need to absorb the idea that your folks have the right to spend -- or waste -- their money however they wish, and you don't have to like it.

Dear Amy: My friend recently had a birthday party. Her boyfriend of one month showed up.

When the party was coming to an end, I heard my friend and her boyfriend fighting. When she came back, he had left, and she accused me of kissing him.

I never did anything of the sort, but she doesn't believe me.

How can I prove to her that I'm innocent and regain her trust?

-- Not Guilty

Dear Not Guilty: You aren't supposed to have to prove your innocence. When you are accused of a misdeed, the standard, generally, is that the person accusing you should be prepared to prove your guilt, or at least present some evidence.

If you did this, then admit it, explain yourself, and ask for forgiveness.

If you didn't do this, then you should ask yourself why you are so eager to make amends for a crime you didn't commit, and why you would want to repair a friendship with her.

Dear Amy: You were so harsh on "Desperate in the Burbs!" These were anxious grandparents who just wanted to see their grandchild. I felt sorry for them, writing to you for advice and receiving such harsh treatment.

-- Been There

Dear Been There: "Desperate" had a list of things they wanted, including wanting their daughter-in-law to come to them for childrearing advice. I can understand wanting this; I cannot understand sulking because you don't receive it.

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: ASKAMY@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)