ArcaMax

Dear Amy: My 29-year-old stepdaughter, "Jamie," is getting married next year to a man she has lived with for three years.

They are both professionals with good-paying jobs. They own a home.

Some time ago, Jamie emailed my husband (her dad) asking how much he could contribute to the wedding.

She did not tell us where she wanted to get married, or the cost. We are both retired with a limited income, and my husband and I agreed on an amount we could afford. When we told Jamie what we could give her, she didn't say a word. However, we discovered later that she had complained to her mother (my husband's ex), who then contacted my husband to berate him because Jamie's chosen wedding venue is extremely expensive.

We were hurt and confused by Jamie's behavior, as she had not talked to us first about a wedding budget, or determined what each of us could contribute before she decided on a very costly wedding. We offered to give her more money, although it is going to be a strain on our own finances. Since then, we have not heard from her for the past several months, and she has completely left us out of her wedding planning activities. We expect that the only time we'll hear from her is when she wants a check. The whole thing is rubbing me the wrong way. How do you suggest we handle this?

-- Dismayed Step-Mom

Dear Dismayed: What you should NOT do is to injure yourselves financially to pay for someone else's dream wedding. Marrying couples should host weddings they can afford, and should be responsible for financing their own weddings. One way to do this is by gathering pledges from their parents, and there is nothing wrong with that. At this point, you have agreed to an amount, you felt guilted into giving more, and that should be the end of it.

If "Jamie" wanted to express her gratitude, or wanted even more money from you, she could attempt to bleed you further by including you in the planning -- thus making you an accomplice of sorts in her event. By accepting your money, she is enlisting you as co-hosts, and you should be acknowledged as such (don't hold your breath).

At this point she is playing her divorced parents off of each other. Her father should express his disappointment in her entitled behavior. I hope you and your husband don't succumb to further financial pressure.

Dear Amy: My son, who I've always felt very close to, has started to call me by my first name.

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