New aunt wonders how often to see kiddos
-- Desperate
Dear Desperate: You know the saying, "Change starts with you?" Well, if you're lucky and work hard at it, change stays with you.
Most often, however, we humans make little inroads toward change -- but then revert back to our noisy, messy selves.
In 18 years of togetherness, you and your husband have dealt with your humanity (your faults and frailty) by distracting yourselves with affairs. You two could turn things around with therapeutic work and with a mutual guarantee that you will dive in to, versus step out on, your problems.
But he's done. You should acknowledge and apologize -- in person and in writing -- for the ways you've hurt him (don't focus on the ways he has hurt you). You should guarantee that things will be different now, because you are different now, and ask him to consider staying with you.
The beauty of you changing is that now you get to be a better version of you, regardless of what your husband chooses to do.
Dear Amy: Your response to "WTF" was SPOT ON! As a psychotherapist, I am always on the lookout for the health and needs of the children, and your focus on the 14-year-old in this situation was exactly right and made me cheer! I hope mom can gather her strength in the midst of her grief and show up for her son.
-- Katherine, MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist)
Dear Katherine: "WTF" was aggrieved when his wife mourned the death of her ex-husband. He was clued into his needs, while ignoring his stepson's. Thank you for your support.
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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
