Tragic loss has family reeling
He seems to think that the relationship is fine as long as there is no conflict, but I know that there will always be conflict, and it's important to deal with it. He doesn't want to talk about the argument, except for how hurt he was. Is this doomed?
Fighting Mad
Dear Mad: Your relationship is doomed, unless you and your guy learn to engage in some healthy conflict. Conflict is challenging; it is natural to run from it. You both find ways to avoid it -- you by limping away and refusing to communicate, and he by focusing on his hurt feelings, versus what events lead up to them.
The way to a lasting, loving relationship leads straight through the heart of conflict. When he hurts you, intentionally or unintentionally, you should be brave enough to say so, in the moment -- or as soon after the moment has passed as you can collect yourself.
Use "I" statements: "I don't like it that you snapped at me. It hurts my feelings. I don't know how to respond, because I feel like you are yelling at me."
He then gets to explain himself.
The person who is at fault should acknowledge the other person's feelings, and sincerely apologize. And then that person should be forgiven.
Dear Amy: I'm a 15-year-old girl. Over the summer, I go to an all-girls sleep away camp in Northern Wisconsin. Technology is not allowed there, and therefore we don't get much connection to the outside world other than letters from friends and family.
This summer, my parents have mailed me your column on the daily for me to read and enjoy. My nightly ritual was to read two or three columns every night. My bunk mates and I would pass them from bunk to bunk for everyone to read. This often led to lively dialogue and debating our opinions on your answers or the subject. Thanks for keeping the conversations alive!
B
Dear B: This is one of the sweetest and most evocative "thank you" letters I've ever received. I'm genuinely touched. I'm grateful for your parents' old-school values, and for the sweet and thoughtful girl they've raised.
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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
