ArcaMax

My girlfriend and I have been together exclusively for four years, but she is my first girlfriend so I don't have much to compare our relationship to.

Everyone says that "relationships are hard work," but should I feel like it's an emotional roller-coaster?

-- Drained and Wondering

Dear Drained: Here are some life-events that can be emotionally draining on a day-to-day basis: Raising an autistic child, losing a loved-one to dementia or caring for someone at the end of life.

Being in a romantic relationship should NOT be emotionally draining.

Yes, staying in an exclusive relationship can be hard work, certainly if you are currently experiencing other events or stressors that deplete you. But the relationship itself should not send you on a daily roller-coaster ride.

The romantic relationship should feed you. The relationship should be your soft place, your refuge and that safe and comforting thing that helps to fulfill you during those times when the world seems particularly crushing.

Even healthy and well-balanced relationships hit snags. But some people seem to enjoy relationship drama. For someone who likes drama, life might feel more vital when they are riding the relationship roller-coaster. Others don't seem to know how to act in a way that is generous and loving toward their partner.

I suspect that if you ever left this relationship and subsequently found yourself with someone who was a better fit for your temperament, you would feel like that roller coaster you'd been riding had finally leveled out. You would feel like you were coming home.

Dear Amy: "Desperate" wondered what to do about the 10-year-old stepson she "couldn't bear" to be around.

My heart broke. I was once that confused and disruptive stepchild forced into a family with a stepparent who didn't like me. It was awful. I'm still trying to recover.

Thank you for telling this woman that the child deserves better. I did, too.

-- Healing

Dear Healing: I'm so sorry you were robbed of a healthy childhood. Yes, you deserved better -- every child does.

========

(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)