ArcaMax

Dear Amy: My daughter is getting married in a month and I am AFRAID of seeing my ex-husband. We were married for 32 years. He was abusive on several levels: sexual, financial, verbal and physical. He is capable of violence, and is a gun owner.

Prior to the finalization of the divorce, he loosened the gas line to the oven. Luckily, after several weeks of smelling gas, I called the gas company. They verified that the line was loosened.

My daughter had to email him the wedding information because he would not give his home address. He would not give a commitment to attend. During the years we were together, he found a way to ruin every birthday party, graduation and holiday, whether through violence, staging a pretend suicide attempt or leaving us wondering if he was going to show up -- and in what state.

My mind races. Will he do something to my home while we are out of town for the wedding? Will he show up and present a negative aura?

I need words of wisdom. I am truly anxious over his potential presence. As a Christian, I am praying over the situation, but it still does not seem to be enough to ease my anxiety. God has protected me and my children through so many years and situations. I have no reason to think that this will not be any different. As an outsider looking in, please give me some advice.

-- Joyful and Afraid

Dear Joyful and Afraid: This man has a history of violence toward you. He refused to provide his mailing address for an invitation. Why is he being included in this family celebration?

It is reasonable to decline to invite anyone who poses a physical threat to you or others, regardless of his biological relationship to the bride.

Aside from your faith and prayer practice, you still have a responsibility to take care of yourself. You should consider installing a low-cost camera trained on your home while you're away. Ask a trusted neighbor to keep an eye on your house. Don't advertise your movements or travel plans on social media.

Given what you say, your daughter should rescind this invitation. If she doesn't want to do so, or if you fear he will show up anyway, you and she should consider hiring a security person to be present at the wedding and reception, in order to keep an eye on him and any other potentially unruly or drunken guests.

...continued