Friendship is tested by sexual come-on
Dear Amy: I am an 18-year-old girl. I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly two years. My boyfriend means everything to me. Although I have made mistakes, we've always talked things out.
Last year we both went to university in different parts of the country, so it was like we were having a long-distance relationship. I was OK with it until I met another guy who gave me everything I have been missing. We were not really dating but I had sex with him many times.
Earlier this week my boyfriend found out and broke up with me. It was only after he was gone that I realized he has always been and always will be my everything. I still love him.
I want him back, but he doesn't want to hear from me. Please help me, Amy.
-- M
Dear M: Perhaps you've studied the famous "marshmallow test" in college. In this study, preschoolers were presented with a choice -- they could eat one marshmallow now or eat two marshmallows if they waited 20 minutes. (If you aren't aware of this study, there is some wonderful video on YouTube of children suffering through it.)
This fascinating study demonstrates the relative ability of people to delay gratification in order to receive a larger reward later.
You have flunked the "marshmallow test" -- big time. You were not willing to hold out long enough to receive a larger reward (staying in a loving, long-term relationship) later.
You sound as if you are a little surprised that your infidelity has had such an extreme consequence. Why is that? Breaking up is the foreseeable and natural consequence of cheating.
My take is that you are probably still too immature to bank your two marshmallows for later. You are 18; you don't have the fortitude to be in a long-distance relationship. Let this be your wake-up call in terms of personal ethics. When you make an ethical lapse that hurts someone else, apologize and ask for forgiveness. -- February 2015
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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
