Husband loves wife, but is 'in love' with another
If there is a lack of will or commitment from either side, you should focus on separating peacefully and lovingly, without your children dictating the terms.
Dear Amy: At what age will divorce be less painful for the children?
I have been married for more than 20 years. The marriage has never worked. Nevertheless, there was a time when we thought we could work things out, so the result is that we have three boys in middle and high school.
We tried counseling, without success. My wife and I have little intimacy and no sex life.
I have known for years that I wanted to divorce but thought my boys were fragile when they were young and so I stayed in this painful marriage to spare them the pain of a divorce.
I thought I could hang in there until they graduated from high school, but I also feel that I would like to let them see the real me, before they leave for college, rather than the person I have had to become to keep peace in the household.
How would divorcing while they are still at home differ from divorcing after they have left for college?
-- Dad Hanging In
Dear Hanging In: I think the tenor and tone of any parting and divorce has a greater impact on all of you, than the specific ages of the children. You must imagine that your three children have observed at least shades and shadows of the dysfunction of your unhappy marriage for most of their lives.
However, I need to remind you of a truism I discovered over the course of my own decades as a parent: Our children do not necessarily care if we are happy. They care if they are happy.
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