ArcaMax

Name: Lovebug #543,952

Location: All up in your business, floating into open mouths in the grocery store parking lot, landing on bare legs at the barbecue. You know how we do.

Age: I'm 2 days old (unless you count my six months as a larva), which means I only have a couple days left to live. This dating profile is actually really, uh, urgent...Read more

Last weekend, I broke my little finger. It's pretty silly and not that serious, but it has me thinking about the nature of fragility.

My close friends are closing this tab right now, like, "Enough about the pinky!" Which, fair. Sally forth, check your email for new DSW coupons.

I broke my finger at the gym, unfortunately not doing anything ...Read more

Folks, take it easy. There was no way to know it would end like this.

Who could have predicted that a stunt with all the subtlety of a juggling bear would fizzle out in less than a year? Don't dare imply that Alligator Alcatraz, Florida's most odious, costly and morally compromised photo booth, was designed to end the moment it outlived its ...Read more

Is anyone else in a reading rut? What I mean is, does every book you crack feel like a million pounds, like an obligation, like a thicket of vines with no nearby machete? Does the doomscroll hold more allure than the pages of a novel? Does your brain feel like a butterfly in a bell jar? Does Netflix win every time?

I have felt this way for ...Read more

I was called for jury duty. Upon arrival at the courthouse, a bailiff handed every juror a comment card. I thought I'd fill out some of it here.

(SET BOLD)Juror No.:(END BOLD) 37

(SET BOLD)Date of Jury Service:(END BOLD) April 27, 2026

(SET BOLD)Were the instructions on your Summons for Jury Service easy to understand?(END BOLD) Yes. They ...Read more

There's a moment in "Mermaid," one of the most Florida movies to have ever Florida'd, when a character describes the Sunshine State:

"It's the only place on earth that can still kind of surprise me."

The oddly beautiful sentiment is followed by dialogue too wild to be printed here. That dichotomy between poetry and shock value sums up "...Read more

Hey. Uh. How are you?

Another week has staggered by drunkenly along this melting clock of time. The collective tension in early April will be remembered, as one's doctor might say, as elevated.

Americans have been asked to process unconscionable global headlines while performing daily obligations in an every-man-for-himself economy. As one ...Read more

Time capsule: Florida, United States of America, roughly one week in late March/early April. Do not open this scroll for 100 years.

Gas in shot up to $4.30 per gallon due to the United States and Israel's confusing and deeply unpopular war with Iran. Yes, future friends, many people still drive cars powered by fossil fuels. We hope you are ...Read more

I have secretly always longed to be a smoker.

This is not an acceptable thing to say out loud, I know. Due to the fact that cigarettes can kill a person all while making their nails yellow and skin sallow and lips wrinkled and breath horrific, I will never actually start smoking. Nor will I ever recommend that anyone else start smoking. ...Read more

Let's go, party people! It's spring break, the kids are out of school, and no one has any disposable income.

Groceries cost approximately three inheritances, and even going out for a Whopper requires sacrificing at least one child's education. The job market, as they say in technical circles, is sucksville. Then there are gas prices, which ...Read more

The name's Spring. Spring Forward.

Some say I'm even more nefarious than my brother, Fall Back, but they are mistaken. Me? I'm an angel. I come in the shadows and simply borrow a measly hour of your z's, a commodity of which you are already deprived due to the unfortunate high-cortisol state of your daily travails.

I like to think I'm a bit ...Read more

When Ayana Lage got pregnant, she prepared for the worst. She'd struggled with mental health and knew depression could be lying in wait.

She didn't expect to feel exhilarated after the birth.

"I'm so happy," recalled Lage, 32. "I'm doing amazing. I'm thriving, and I don't feel like I need to sleep. I literally just feel incredible."

Then ...Read more