Paying For Gas Is So Easy
In this prickly economy, everyone is stretched thin.
Gas prices around the country have ballooned due to the war in the Middle East. No, right, sorry. It's not a war. It's a mere skirmish. A rumble, if you will. A dance-off between rival greaser gangs. It's basically the Jets vs. the Sharks doing pirouettes in an alley. It's fun, actually!
Despite average regular gas prices hovering above $4 a gallon nationally and expected to keep climbing, filling up a tank doesn't have to be out of reach. We need to fuel our plucky senses of innovation. We need to try harder. After all, this costly global kerfuffle is the fault of lazy people.
To gas up the car this week and get to work, simply:
Find an angel investor to provide startup capital. This could be a well-off family member, a friend or someone like, I don't know, one of the "Shark Tank" guys. The angel investor gets involved at what's called the "seed phase" of a project. The project here is one single tank of gas.
Start by approaching anyone who was invited to a private Ricky Martin concert where socialites ate short ribs and bought luxury condos. Alternatively, find someone whose LLC has "strategic" in the title. Or anyone who owns a parking lot (there will be overlap).
Now, the investor will ask for information about your startup, so be ready to explain why filling your 2015 Honda Accord is a foolproof financial endeavor. Most monied types enjoy a novel concept run by a confident mind. Be sure to point out that you once got towed on Halloween and pulled your car out of hock at 2 a.m. while dressed like a sexy Buzz Lightyear. Working with you will be high-risk, high-reward!
It's time to negotiate the terms. Underwriting your gas tank will be one small part of your angel investor's portfolio, yet they will want to secure the spend. I know, I know, this is so much to consider, blah blah. You just wanted to drive to the office, yada yada. Well, guess what? They don't call it the Cheapskate of Hormuz. In 2026, basic survival requires private enterprise.
Investors crave ownership, so offer your gas benefactor an equity stake in your fresh tank of unleaded. You could also suggest a seat on the board of your 17.2 gallons. Consider throwing in a handful of gas station snacks: Gatorade, taquitos, Bugles (investors love finger hats). Maybe one of those neon neck cords for sunglasses? Beef jerky is too expensive right now, please. Be sensible.
That's all you have to do. See? That wasn't hard. If you follow these easy instructions, you'll be able to cruise around six-lane highways and endless interstates for at least five days, earning enough money to buy the cheapest groceries at a nearby Aldi.
However, you will hit empty again. If the overseas maritime dance-a-thon scored by Leonard Bernstein is still unfolding, if the United States Congress is still on vacation, it's time to launch another investment round. Hang around a valet station and look for the nearest G-Wagon, business plan at the ready. This time, be ready to scale!
Oh. Don't forget to sign up for gas rewards.
========
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.
----
Copyright 2026 Creators Syndicate Inc.
Comments