This is the first time I’ve seen Congress as frustrated with Congress as we are!
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this ...Read more
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." ~Ambrose Bierce
A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.
She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"
The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.
The little ladie then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey ...Read more
A trucker was sitting at the lunch counter eating his morning eggs and hash browns when some bikers walked in.
One walked up and put his finger in the trucker's coffee and said, "That's not very hot, is it?"
Another put his finger in the trucker's scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, either, huh?"
After a few moments of silence, the ...Read more
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.
- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet...Read more
How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and football!"
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do ...Read more
Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"
"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog...Read more
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten greatgrandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I ...Read more
- His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh
- The Mexican...Read more
Two light bulbs are lying in their cardboard sleeve on a shelf somewhere. The first light bulb is a real nervous type. He's been going on and on. "What if I don't light up? Seriously, what if I don't? I will just m'kaying die! Argh, I'm freaking out. And thanks to our m'kaying packaging, we don't know whether we're in a store or a warehouse, or ...Read more
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer ...Read more
One day these three rats were standing outside of a food store and one of the rats got an idea.
He said "OK this is what we're gonna do, we'll run inside, get as much cheese as we can and we'll meet back here."
So they do it and when they get back the first rat asks the second rat "what kind of cheese did you get?" and he says "American" which...Read more
- Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
- Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
- Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any ...Read more
President Trump’s new White House communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy.
A company has come out with — this is real — a $5,000 robot that applauds for you indefinitely. Yeah, in a related story, I’ll be working from home.
We’re getting reports that ‘Pompeo’s North Korea meeting went “as badly as it could have gone.”’ I’m not surprised — sometimes the second date is rough. You go back to his place, you find out it’s full of executed relatives, or worse: Limp Bizkit CDs.