I am not a good enough athlete to have my own baseball card, and I am not animated enough to have my own Pokemon card, but I am a man of culture, which I get from yogurt, so I could have my own trading card.

That was the estimation of a friendly and knowledgeable guy named Daniel, who works at the card store where I went with one of my sons-in-...Read more

Whenever it’s hot, I’m cold. And whenever it’s cold, I’m hot.

I know it’s not cool to say this, but the cold fact is that I am not hot enough to be a magazine model or cool enough to be a movie star.

The real problem is that I am a geezer for whom no temperature — inside or outside — can make me feel comfortable.

That’s ...Read more

It’s a good thing that 70% of Earth’s surface is covered by water (the other 30% is covered by asphalt and bird droppings) because otherwise I don’t know how I would ever fill my new water bottle.

Thanks to my younger daughter, who gifted me with the 40-ounce stainless steel container, in a beautiful metallic blue, I have officially ...Read more

A young orthodontist with what I hope is good eyesight recently said I have a Hollywood smile. I didn’t want to press my luck by asking if he meant I should star in a horror movie.

So I was greatly relieved when I saw that the new retainers he made for me don’t have fangs.

I went to the Stony Brook University School of Dental Medicine ...Read more

If Sports Illustrated ever does a male version of its famous swimsuit issue, I could be on the cover for two very good reasons:

1) I just got a stylish new swimsuit, which impressed a lifeguard at the pool where I took my granddaughters for a swim.

2) It’s not a Speedo.

You can add my wife and our younger daughter to the other 8 billion ...Read more

Now that I have seen Steven Spielberg’s “Disclosure Day,” a space alien thriller that’s out of this world, I am making this my own disclosure day:

I could have been the star of the movie.

And not necessarily as a space alien.

I was sure I’d be heading to Hollywood when I read about a casting call for Spielberg’s new film, the ...Read more

When it comes to talking the talk and walking the walk, the talk is that I do more talking than walking, even when I’m on a walk.

That’s why I won’t walk back the fact that I talked my way through two recent walks, one on which I had a delightful talk with a retired doctor and the other on which I tried to keep up with my wife, Sue, an ...Read more

Every so often, when dirt, grime and mildew build up, a good power washing is in order. But it would be too messy, so I took a shower.

I had the house power-washed instead.

It had been a long time since our humble abode got such a thorough cleaning. Before that, it was the same mold story: I was responsible for getting the green gunk off the ...Read more

Whenever I’m cooking with gas, which causes people who eat what I cook to have the same thing, I’m afraid I will not only burn the burgers but be blown to smithereens, after which I will rest in pieces.

That’s why I feel much safer now that I have a new grill, even though I had to reassemble part of it and ended up with a couple of screws...Read more

You know you’re old and washed up as an athlete when you hurt your arm playing Wiffle ball.

That’s what happened when I was the pitcher in a spirited game with my grandchildren, who not only hit home runs off me but ran so fast around the nonexistent bases in my backyard that when I tried to throw them out at home plate, I threw out my arm ...Read more

As a man who can’t stay awake for the 11 o’clock news, which isn’t worth watching anyway, I tire easily. Then I fall asleep. And I snore with enough force to wake up not only the dead, who sleep pretty soundly, but also my wife, who would like to kill me.

So I got a CPAP machine, which was supposed to cure my sleep apnea. Stupidly, which ...Read more

Medicine commercials give me a headache. Unfortunately, I have to pay attention to them because their products can either: (a) relieve my headache or (b) kill me.

So I strike a compromise: Whenever one of these pitches comes on the TV screen, which happens approximately once a minute, I turn down the sound.

I can’t bear to listen as the ...Read more