ArcaMax

Want to increase your salary?

You could work harder, but that would take time away from your rigorous schedule of schmoozing, shopping and snacking. You could also become a bigger kiss-up, but that's physically impossible. Alternatively, you could attend night school and get an advanced degree but think of all the episodes of "Summer House" you would miss.

Truth is -- there is only one sure way to get a raise, and it doesn't take doing more work or more kissing up. Best of all, it's scientifically tested and practically guaranteed to work.

You have to do is get taller.

It's true.

According to numerous scientific studies, the taller you are, the more you are paid.

If the connection between your height and your paycheck seems counterintuitive, consider the research done by Vanderbilt anthropologist Thomas Gregor in the 1960's and 70's. As noted in Joe Pinsker's article in The Atlantic, "The Financial Perks of Being Tall," Professor Gregor studied indigenous and Native people from the Trobriand Islands of Papua, New Guinea, to the rainforests of Brazil. "In no case," he reported, "have I found a preference for short men."

In the years that followed, other scientists have tested Gregor's results. Their work in the jungle that is business today produced the hair-raising finding that starting at age 33, every extra inch over 5'4" is worth $800 a year in elevated salary.

Author Malcolm Gladwell put it all together in his 2005 book "Blink," where he argued that systemic "heightism" and its halo effect made employers subconsciously associate imposing physical stature with leadership potential, confidence and competence. The result: "We're talking about a tall person enjoying literally hundreds of thousands of dollars of earnings advantage."

The benefits of heightism are not equally distributed. In men, the sharpest jump in earnings was found to be between 5'4" and 5'6". When a man is over 6 feet, the salary improvements disappear altogether (Tell that to Wemby.) For women, the height differential has a smaller effect on salary. This suggests that women are more likely to get raises for their attitude, not their altitude.

There are many theories to explain the tallist phenomena. On the playground, tall children may get more attention, helping them to develop social skills that benefit them in the playground that is the modern workplace. Also, tall employees are more likely to spot cost-cutting HR Ninjas, heading down the hallways, giving the big guy or gal time to hide. There's no such early warning system for shorties. They just sit at their desks, working away, easy pickings for the week's quota of layoffs.

Hey, why do you think they call it downsizing?

If you are an altitudinally-challenged woman, you can simply start wearing 4, 5 or 6-inch heels. You'll definitely look impressive, assuming you don't topple over. It's more difficult for men, especially those insecure men who feel funny about wearing their Louboutins to work.

Fortunately, there are steps the tragically short can take to join the high-flying elite. Consider Tom Cruise. 5'7" Tom reportedly wears "height-increasing" shoes from luxury Italian shoemaker, GuidoMaggie, a company whose shoes, they say, "enhance the figure, making men more charming and self-confident even next to taller partners."

Since those partners include Nicole Kidman (5'11") and Kelly McGinness (6'), you'd have to say that Tom's special shoes were worth the money. It's a lesson you should keep in mind when it's your turn to go toe-to-toe with your company's CFO on a cost-cutting rage.

If you want to spare yourself the embarrassment of wearing elevator shoes, there is another solution -- an Osteotomy, AKA cosmetic limb lengthening. It's an orthopedic procedure that adds 3 to 6 inches of height simply by breaking and then extending the femur (thigh) or tibia (shin) bones.

Ouchie!

The process takes at least 6 months to a year of recovery and carries significant risks, not the least of which is draining your savings account to the tune of $100K or more.

And no -- your insurance won't cover it. They'd like to, but they can't.

I don't mean to be discouraging to those of short stature. You can succeed in business based on your ability and hard work. I can even make the case that your chances for business survival could actually increase the shorter you are. Remember Rule No. 1 for business survival, it they can't see you, they can't fire you.

The answer is clear.

Get under your desk, stand up tall and wait for them to find you.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at info@creators.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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