Groom Hopes To Build Life-Long Relationship

Q: My bride-to-be and I are getting married in a couple of months. We want to have a solid, life-long relationship, so we're asking various people for advice. What's your perspective?

Jim: We all enter marriage wanting a loving relationship that will thrive and endure. So, I commend you for asking how you can actually experience that kind of genuine intimacy.

I'd suggest that in part the answer lies in our expectations. The primary reason we're first attracted to people is because of the way they make us feel. I want as much as anyone to experience good feelings in my marriage. But superficial emotions don't provide enough of a foundation to sustain a relationship or to create deep, fulfilling intimacy. The sad truth is that as soon as the good feelings disappear -- and they inevitably will -- so does the person's commitment to the relationship. That's why people abandon friendships ... and give up on marriages.

In contrast, true love is quite different. Love is understanding and patient -- and yes, that can be difficult. Love sacrifices for someone else and chooses to stay with them despite (or even because of) their faults. Instead of running away, love faces challenges head-on so it can break through to something richer and more meaningful. As someone once put it, "love is seeing the darkness in another person, yet resisting the impulse to jump ship."

Very few things in life are as rewarding as true committed intimacy in marriage. The path isn't always strewn with rose petals; sometimes -- often -- there are a few thorns along the way. But the result is definitely worth the work. We have plenty of resources to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My preteen wants to date. What is a good age to start?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: The short answer to this question is -- it depends. Let me explain.

There are lots of factors to consider before your child begins dating. Many parents feel the pressure to just let their preteen or teen date as part of growing up and allowing for autonomy. However, kids need preparation and boundaries to enter such a neurochemically driven relational experience. Here are four foundational considerations to help determine if your child is ready to date:

-- First, is your child trustworthy? Trust is essential for healthy autonomy and healthy relationships. If trust has been an issue, make this a goal to reestablish before opening up the dating world for them.

-- Second, does your child have a humble mindset? Researchers affirm that humility is a key ingredient of healthy relationships. This mindset allows any young person to be teachable and more likely to be caring and loving toward whomever they date.

-- Third, does your child see dating through the lens of a shopping consumer or as a life-giving contributor? In other words, do they know how to genuinely care about someone else without demanding something in return? Help your child to build a history they want to remember. Also, other parents are counting on your good guidance as your child dates theirs. I want a contributor dating my kids!

-- Fourth, do you have an ongoing open conversation with your child about sex, passionate feelings and hormones? An open dialogue is essential as they navigate an onslaught of intense feelings and thoughts in the dating world. Provide them with a clear and healthy vision for love, relationships and sex.

As you respond to your preteen's questions, consider these foundations. And in that context, in my counseling practice -- depending on personality and the main factors listed above -- a general age to allow this freedom for kids is generally between the ages of 16 and 18.

For more practical tips, see FocusOnParenting.com.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.