When Mother's Day hurts: strategies for those struggling

Mother’s Day isn’t just about buying cards and gifts; it’s about acknowledging the unique bond between a mother and her children, and all maternal connections. However, for some, this holiday can be a painful reminder of loss, grief or a complicated relationship. If you find yourself dreading the second Sunday in May (even the days leading up to it), know you are not alone in your struggles.

Rebecca Soffer, author of “The Modern Loss Handbook,” understands the challenge. Having lost both her mother and father, Soffer has firsthand experience navigating the complexities of grief. In an interview with Today, she offered insights and coping strategies for those who find this holiday difficult.

Talk to a ‘grief buddy’

Soffer suggests finding someone who has experienced a similar loss and can offer support and understanding. Engaging with a community of people who have faced parental death can provide a sense of connection and validation. For example, the Modern Loss community holds an international gift swap ahead of trigger holidays like Mother’s Day, creating a space for people to support one another.

Expect the unexpected

Grief is not a linear process, and waves of emotion can come unexpectedly. Soffer emphasizes the importance of being patient with yourself during this time.

“I want to make it clear to anybody that if it feels like a trigger for you then it really is, and it’s worth sitting with and honoring and examining and figuring out what you can do to make yourself feel better,” she said to NPR.

In her book, she offers tips for enduring “grief milestones,” such as fulfilling one of your mom’s goals, making her favorite meal or buying her a gift you can either keep or donate to someone else.

Consider therapy

Therapy can be a scary first step, but in “The Modern Loss Handbook,” Soffer gives tips on how to find the right therapist for you, including what questions to ask before getting started and how to find the right therapeutic format.

Be kind to yourself

Above all, Soffer stresses the importance of being patient with yourself. “Everything is off the table,” she told Today, acknowledging it’s impossible to predict how Mother’s Day will affect each individual. While it’s nice to have a plan, she encourages giving yourself permission to forgo it if needed.