Woman Yearns For Appreciation In Relationship

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 30-year-old woman who's fallen hard for a man I feel doesn't truly love me. I've been with my partner for five years now, and while I love him dearly, I can't shake the feeling that he doesn't appreciate everything I do for us as a couple. I find myself going above and beyond to make our relationship work -- from planning special dates to taking care of household chores and everything in between. However, it seems like my efforts often go unnoticed or unacknowledged. He rarely expresses gratitude for the things I do, and it's starting to take a toll on me emotionally. I've tried to communicate my feelings to him, but he either dismisses them or fails to understand why I'm upset. I don't want to sound needy or demanding, but I long for some recognition and appreciation for the contributions I make to our relationship. I want to feel valued and cherished in our relationship, but I'm not sure how to make that happen. -- Unappreciated

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: It is time for you to see the flashing red lights in your life. This man has proven to you that he does not deserve you. The only thing left is for you to accept it. Of course, this is hard to do, especially when you have invested so much into this relationship. But if this man has not noticed or acknowledged your contributions to your relationship for five years, there is no reason for you to think he is going to start now.

It is time for you to plot your course for turning the page. What do you have to do to walk away? Plan your exit strategy. Engage a therapist to help you if you do not feel strong enough to do this on your own. You are going to need to build up your self-esteem, as this relationship has been toxic for you. You can. The time to start is now.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As someone working in a call center, I interact with customers every day. Although I live in New York, my upbringing is in Taiwan. Dealing with racist comments from customers over the phone is a common challenge I face. Being American like most of my clients, I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this. I would like to know some tips from you and other readers on how I can lessen this experience because this is burning me out. -- Trying My Best

DEAR TRYING MY BEST: Sadly, racism is alive and well in America, and it shows its face in myriad ways. It is also true that in a job like yours, you do not have the authority or ability to confront racist callers. That would be inappropriate. What you can do at work is remain professional, work hard to resolve whatever issues people are calling about, remember that they are often frustrated when they call and remain professional no matter what. When a caller insults you or yells at you, respond by saying it is hard for you to help them when they are speaking to you in this way. You can also refer them to a manager and report the call to your supervisor.

Beyond the job, do your best to surround yourself with kind people who treat you with respect. This will help balance out the negativity that you experience on the job.

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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)