Ask Amy: For brothers, the path is paved with eggshells
I'm sure that whatever I do will be wrong.
– Stuck
Dear Stuck: The perpetual dance of disappointment between you and your brother is a result of growing up with an abusive parent. Your relationship is unstable, in part because you were both trained from childhood to remain on high alert. Children in abusive households can never really relax and allow themselves to make mistakes, to have their mistakes forgiven, and to just – be natural. Yes, the ground is paved with eggshells.
This tension and instability defines your relationship now.
But there is an advantage to always feeling like you’re doing the wrong thing. This liberates you from having to second guess your every decision, because no matter what you do or say – it’s going to seem wrong. So – do it anyway.
You don’t need to “respond” to your brother to keep in touch with him. Just text him! Say, “Hey, I was thinking about you today and I’m wondering how you and the kids are doing. I’d really like to set up a FaceTime session with them. Any chance we can do this sometime soon?”
I’m suggesting that you just clomp your way across those eggshells and do your best to simply be yourself. Your unflappable efforts might inspire your brother to finally relax and do the same.
Dear Amy: My husband and I don’t have children. My sister is a single mom and she has always been strict with her children. She has a rule for her kids that when they turn 18, they either pay rent or move out.
Her daughter turned 18, didn’t find her footing and wasn’t working, and so my sister kicked her out. She asked to live with us and we agreed.
She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money.
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