ArcaMax

The wife just told me that during one of their battles her husband accused me and Travis of saying disparaging things about her. This is patently untrue.

As hurtful as this has been, I have kept her comments to myself, not wanting to drag Travis into the battle. I have not spoken to the husband.

It will soon be my turn to host, but I am unable to set my anger at him and my distrust of her aside.

Any suggestions as to how I can diplomatically handle this?

– Feeling Like a Pawn

Dear Pawn: I wonder why people pass along second-hand disparaging comments or accusations onto the innocent party.

Most often, these comments are repeated in order to try and disparage the person who (allegedly) originated them: (“When we were having a fight, Stan told me you said mean things about me!”). And yet this reportage always backfires, because the innocent party now feels as you do – disliking and distrusting both people.

I suggest calling or writing an email to the wife.

You might say that you are genuinely happy that she and her husband are working things out, but that because of the accusation she passed along to you, your feelings are hurt. You might add, “I’m now wondering why you chose to tell me that, because not only do I feel drawn into your problems, but now I’m holding onto this unfounded accusation. I have never disparaged you, to your husband or anyone else. I’ve chosen not to pass this along to Travis, and I hope you won’t, either. I’d like to move forward, but I want to honestly let you know how this has affected me.”

This friend owes you an apology.

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