Ask Amy: Wedding livestock might bring guests together

Dear Amy: My extended family has a history of division, of people not speaking to one another for years.

I am guilty of this, too. It’s a multi-generational pattern I’d like to end for the next generation.

We are joyfully planning our daughter’s upcoming wedding.

Unfortunately, there is one burr in the saddle.

One of my sisters has decided not to speak to me or our other sister.

We love her husband. Her daughter is a bridesmaid.

I have just learned from a mutual friend that our “silent sister” is coming to the wedding. I believe that’s a very good thing.

I don’t want my silent sister to feel awkward, lurking about the fringes like a coyote in the brush.

My thought is to invite ALL family members in a group email, including this sister, to volunteer for enjoyable tasks on the wedding day, such as decorating the donkey with flowers or feeding the longhorns so they show up for the photographer.

My only worry is that she’ll attempt to create further drama and will not rise to the occasion. It’s tricky.

Do I just let her isolate, or should I welcome her into the joy of this occasion?

I want the focus to be on my daughter and want to be kind and inclusive.

– MOB

Dear MOB: First of all, any wedding that involves decorating the donkey with flowers or wrangling longhorns for a photo op is a wedding I definitely want to go to.

These livestock guests may prove easier to handle than your family members, however. Keep in mind that even the best-laid plans can go awry.

Weddings can be hyper-charged events that will bring out both the best and the worst in people.

I give you much credit for working hard to try to break the cycle of silence and estrangement in your family.

I emphasize that you are “trying” in order to underscore your limited ability to force your sister to change. You can, however, nudge her toward change – and your effort will definitely make you feel better.

So yes, invite the entire family in a group email to choose a task if they would like, but emphasize that they are also welcome to simply attend and enjoy the wedding. Ask them to get back to you.

Your sister may choose to stay silent, or she might choose to be snarky. Ignore either reaction and return your focus to the marrying couple, your other guests, and your lovely livestock.

Dear Amy: Last weekend I ran into a dear old friend and her college-aged son. It's been a while since I've seen the son, and it was great to catch up.

He's never been one to care much about his appearance, but holy cow, it must have been a week or more since he showered.

His body odor was horrible, to the point where it was hard to stand next to him. And this was an outdoor party! As he and I chatted, he mentioned that during his first year of college while staying in the dorms, he went through three roommates, all of whom "inexplicably" moved out and switched rooms after a few weeks.

Amy, if he normally smells even a fraction of how badly he smelled at that party, I can't even imagine how bad a tiny dorm room must have smelled!

While he and I were talking, his mom came up and gave him a hug.

This made me wonder -- could they both have simply gotten used to the smell?

I consider her a good friend. Should I say something to her about her son? If they really don't realize the extent (or existence) of the problem, a polite comment could be a gamechanger for him. Or it could embarrass them and sour my friendship with her. Please help!

– Holding My Breath

Dear Holding: If this is a close friend, you might ask how her son’s health is. Tell her, “It was so great to catch up with him, but I wondered if he is taking good care of himself.” If she invites further conversation, you could go there.

Dear Amy: “Trapped in Treats” struggled to respond when her boyfriend sabotaged her diet by bringing her treats.

Thank you for understanding how important it is to “clean” the house of treats when you’re trying to lose weight.

I got my husband to stash his favorites in a locked cupboard.

– The Slowest Loser

Dear Loser: In my house, he’d also have to swallow the key.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)