Ask Amy: Marriage has porous borders
Not to excuse his choice, but you might ask yourself why your husband confided in someone else when he was going through a tough time. You don’t mention what inspired you to monitor his communication in the first place, but you must explore how your behavior might be connected with his. You suggest that your relationship is otherwise great, but a next step might be for you to admit that – right now – it isn’t.
You are both vulnerable. Your husband “can’t be honest” with you and you can’t seem to be honest with him. You aren’t the bad guy here, but maybe he isn’t, either.
Honesty entails more than just admitting that you caught him doing something you don’t want him to do. Tell him that you would like to work as an equal, flawed, and vulnerable partner to rebuild trust – together.
You are each in therapy; you should definitely be in therapy together. Perhaps his therapist would agree to let you sit in for a session in order to communicate about this openly and in a mediated discussion.
Dear Amy: I was lucky enough to meet my spouse on a dating site.
We’ve enjoyed 11 years together (married for eight), and we are still going strong, even as the pandemic rolls along and we are together 24/7.
Here are my tips for online dating, passed on to me by all my other friends who did it before me:
Don't give them your address or phone number if you can avoid it until you meet in person.
Meet in public and tell them you have an event later, so you have an “out” if you need it.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.