Ask Amy: Daughter is caught in Dad’s needy net
Cut off ties unless he completes a 12-step program?
I love him, but I don’t “like” him, anymore.
Mad at Sad Dad
Dear Mad: You recognize this dynamic as a codependency – and you are right!
Your father raised you in a way to guarantee that you would always meet his emotional needs. He didn’t need to heal from the divorce (25 years ago!), and didn’t need to deal with his drinking or other relationship problems because he always had someone (you) to relieve his loneliness and anxiety, and then someone to blame (you) when his loneliness and anxiety surfaced again.
You have (other) children now, and so – at 60 – it’s time for dad to grow up.
You could suggest joint counseling for the two of you, but my instinct is that he needs to take responsibility for his own life and his own emotional needs.
When you allow him to manipulate you, you help to keep him in his needy state (that’s the “co” of codependency). He doesn’t need to change, because you are carrying the burden for him.
I suggest counseling for you, and this book: “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself,” by Melody Beattie (1986, Hazeldon).
Dear Amy: You suggested that a person who didn’t want to spend time with family members should say: “I just don’t want to do that right now,” when pressured to attend family events.
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