ArcaMax

What advice can you provide that may warm my heart toward the very few that have loved me?

-- Heart Two Sizes Too Small

Dear Heart: You already seem to have a lot of insight about your challenging past. You have made the connection between the neglect you suffered as a child and your own hesitance (or inability) to express affection toward family members. Insight is a positive start, and you can definitely continue to grow and change.

As a child, your emotional needs weren't met. Your mother abandoned you and then the other adults in your life didn't provide an emotionally safe and nurturing environment.

To love others fully, you have to learn to fully love yourself. Loving yourself doesn't mean you are arrogantly declaring how great you are, but that you are learning to accept and embrace your own vulnerability, owning your own mistakes, and leaning into your determination to do better. Your very efforts toward healing and self-love should be considered your first triumph.

One way to love others is to physically be there for them. Be present, especially for your children. Show up for them. Express an interest in their lives and be bravely expressive toward them. You should tell them your own story, share your insight, express the desire to be better, and tell them you are in their corner -- through good times and bad. You are trying to break a generational chain of neglect, so understand that your kids may be bewildered, hurting, and affection-starved, too.

You would benefit from reading "Healing Your Emotional Self," by Beverly Engel (2007, Wiley & Sons).

Dear Amy: I am an average-attractive single woman who lives in a big city.

I am frequently approached by men of other races that flirt with me and try to get my phone number.

How do I tell them I am not interested without offending them? I stick to my own kind.

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