ArcaMax

Adoptive parents can feel threatened when their children connect with bio-relatives. This is a very tender and upsetting reminder of your -- and their -- vulnerability. But family love is special -- the stronger and healthier it is, the more expansive it becomes -- making room for more.

After expressing your hope for a congenial meeting, you will then have to move forward, making adult choices about inclusion during landmark events. Invite everyone you want to invite, and leave their choices to attend up to them. In time, they will either adjust -- or they will face the negative impact on your relationship. Move gently forward.

Dear Amy: I am a clinician working at a hospital. Your older readers who have expressed annoyance at being addressed as "young lady" remind me of a related problem that happens frequently in my workplace.

Often patients say to my co-workers or me (in more or less polite versions): "Wow, you look so young! Like you could be right out of high school! How long have you been working?"

What can I say that would be polite but shut this down and move on to patient care, rather than snidely telling them I traded a demon my soul for eternal youth?

-- Grace

Dear Grace: I love the old Dorian Gray joke about looking youthful, based on the famous Oscar Wilde novel where a hedonistic young man receives his wish that he would never age, but his portrait would age instead. The punchline goes: "Sure, I look young; you should see the portrait in my attic!"

However -- you can't just throw off an Oscar Wilde reference in a busy hospital and expect that it will be understood. Doogie Howser references are also (probably) older than you are.

I don't think your patients are actually wondering about your competence, but they are really just feeling vulnerable and are trying -- in a very clunky way -- to connect with their physician.

To respond professionally, maintain amiable eye contact and say, "I know I look young, but I've been a clinician now for 10 years, and it's your lucky day because I'm your doctor. Do you have any other questions before we get started?"

Dear Amy: "Lost" said that her boyfriend told her he was unsure about his sexuality.

Sure, it's a confusing time for her ... but for him it might be a lot worse. She is lucky that he told her when he did. Depending on his upbringing, he has probably gone through periods of being scared of the feelings he's feeling.

You're absolutely right to suggest that she keep him as a friend, and help him through it.

-- Gene in Kansas KS

Dear Gene: These two were quite obviously at different junctures in their lives. Friendship is the answer.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)