Midlife dater ignores red flag waving
Less than a year into our marriage, we separated and are close to divorcing.
I feel very alone and cannot accept being neglected while she caters to her daughters' every need, at the expense of our marriage.
Neither of us seems to want to divorce, but unless things change it seems inevitable.
We have sought counseling, where she admits this and vows to change, but never follows through.
I don't want to give up, but continuing this way is no longer an option for me.
Your advice?
-- Married but Soon Single
Dear Soon Single: My understanding of codependency is that it really boils down to a desire to control. And so while your wife's daughters manipulate her, her intense engagement with them is really about her own wish to manipulate and control them.
Grown-ups need to be allowed to grow up. And your wife's over-involvement is likely impeding her daughters' growth and independence, which might be her actual (but unspoken) goal.
If she wanted to be in a robust and healthy marriage with you, your wife would put the marriage at the center, and engage with her daughters lovingly, but not exclusively, while they orbit.
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