Wife's text-flirting compels husband to spy
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 15 years. About four years ago I was suspicious of her relationship with a former co-worker and "friend," whom she had grown very close to.
I began reading her texts (bad, I know) and found some incriminating stuff.
While she was very angry at me for looking at her phone, she also confessed that they had a longstanding, flirty relationship that had become "physically inappropriate" (her words). She said the two of them agreed to scale things back.
She told me that she felt comforted by his flirting during a rough patch in our marriage, but that she would never break her marriage vows. We moved on. I did not demand she stop hanging out with him. I want my wife to choose me freely. My wife says she loves me; we're still intimate, and things seem OK.
A few months ago, I was a little disturbed to learn that while she physically doesn't see this man very often, she chats with him over IM for long portions of her workday, every day.
Even though I know I shouldn't, I began spying on her texts again.
Most of it was pretty innocent. But many of these were not. In one text, he suggested they get a "big, cozy sleeping bag" and go look at the stars together. They also texted late at night about how much they missed each other and wanted to slip away together.
So what is going on here? Is she just letting off steam? Wanting not to feel like a woman who's tied down with a husband/house/kids?
I don't like the idea of being married to someone who's constantly sharing fantasies with another man, but if she never acts on them, should I not worry about it? Is this my own fault for spying on her phone?
-- What's Ap(propriate)
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