The wedding's a year away; the nightmare has begun
So yes, elopement might be the best idea for them, but if they do decide to host a wedding, the couple should not share any details with your mother (nor should you discuss this wedding with her).
They should limit their communication with her to an invitation. They should not accept any money from her (this puts her in a power position), and should only say that they hope she can make the journey to attend the ceremony. If your mother can't handle this, she might choose to stay home, which I assume might be a relief for everyone.
You seem to have developed survival skills, but not necessarily boundary-keeping skills. I suggest you work on your own boundary setting, and continue to explore the (negative) lessons your mother has taught you.
Dear Amy: I have two cousins -- they are sisters, who are not on speaking terms with each other. They are both in their 50s and haven't spoken to each other for a few years. Their dispute came about after they divided up their parents' estate. I have tried to stay on good terms with both of them.
Recently, I found out from the daughter of one of these cousins that their mother has terminal cancer.
I've been asked to keep this information private, as the cousin with cancer doesn't want her sister to know about it. I have honored her wish, but it makes me feel conflicted because these sisters may never have a chance to have a better relationship before the one with cancer passes away.
What would you do?
-- Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: I would respect the privacy of the person with a terminal illness -- even if I didn't agree with her choice.
Of course, this places you in a tough spot, and you might want to continue to encourage the ill sister and her family to reconsider her choice. But it is not up to you to try to orchestrate a sick-bed reunion between two people who do not want to reunite.
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