Adult hopes to confront mother over childhood abuse
Dear Amy: My sister's husband loves to fish with my husband, who is disabled and fishes a good bit. Years ago, my brother-in-law started coming for a week each year to stay with us and fish with my husband all day for seven days.
We have never invited him to come here. He never gives us more than a week's notice, and I have been receptive to it because my sister gets a much-needed break from him (he snores loudly and she cannot sleep). We have a pack of dogs that bark the entire time he is in our home. My nerves are shot by the time he leaves.
This year, he is coming again. The problem is that my husband can NOT do this like he used to. I work, and having him here is a huge burden on me.
Please tell me how to tell my sister and her husband this without hurting their feelings or causing any anger. My husband will NOT admit that he cannot go like he used to, so he says OK when my brother-in-law texts him and says he's coming.
-- Upset in Georgia
Dear Upset: I assume that there were several years where this loose arrangement worked out well for everyone, and now it is an annual "tradition."
One thing most families do very badly is to change entrenched traditions.
If you want this behavior to stop, you will have to set boundaries and be clear about your needs. If your husband no longer wants to do this but can't say so, you should act as his gatekeeper and do it on his behalf.
Contact your sister and brother-in-law and tell them, "This annual visit worked out for many years, and 'Bart' loved his fishing time. But he's not well enough to do this, and I am overwhelmed, so we're going to have to cancel this year's visit. Let's talk about a weekend date when we can all get together."
Be direct, honest, friendly and firm. Don't pile on explanations about the dogs or other disruptions. Use the word "cancel." And take good care of yourself.
Dear Amy: I liked your advice to "Concerned Mom," whose daughter drank a whole bottle of wine over a short time during dinner, but now that Mom knows about her daughter's drinking, she should not serve alcohol. She also needs to go to Al Anon meetings.
-- Been There
Dear Been There: Anyone worried about a loved one's drinking should contact Al-anon.org for meeting locations.
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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
