ArcaMax

If you are still fixating on this, then consider visiting a counselor, either on your own or with your girlfriend, to discuss why this is giving you so much anxiety.

Dear Amy: Years ago, I began working at an agency where I met a woman who became a good friend. We've served as job references for each other over the years. A few months ago, I faced another job change and she gave me permission to use her as a reference again.

I didn't know at the time that she was having a painful dental issue, but when I found out, I left her a voicemail saying to take care of herself and to forget about writing the reference. Too late. She emailed me the reference she wrote. The next day, she sent me a self-critical missive, stating that she blamed herself if her terrible reference cost me the job.

She followed this up with a defaming litany of wrongs that I had supposedly done to her over the past 10 years. She confessed that she had never spoken what was really on her mind, or had been her true self with me.

I was flummoxed. I don't feel any guilt, or the need to defend myself, because I know that I have not wronged her.

I don't think this is really about me -- or the reference. I am saddened, hurt and angry. But I don't know how to reply or even if I should reply. On the other hand, I am a bit worried about her. I need another perspective, can you help?

-- Flummoxed Former Friend

Dear Flummoxed: This erratic behavior might have nothing to do with you; painful dental problems can derail the coolest of customers. Could this possibly be a result of medication she's on?

Receiving an email saying she's never been herself around you should make you rethink this relationship. I suggest responding with a simple: "Are you OK?" Otherwise, don't engage her in a conversation about your faults and failings. She owes you an apology, and you should not have to solicit it.

Dear Amy: I try to read your column every day. Wow, you hit the nail so squarely on the head with your advice to "Concerned Mom," whose daughter drank an entire bottle of wine and then drove home.

Thank you. Your words were profound.

I needed them today.

-- A.

Dear A: People who send me questions are generously airing their personal dilemmas for everyone's benefit. I hope that you will act on the nugget of my answer that spoke to you today.

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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)