Mother objects to daughter's gender transitioning partner
You should definitely give yourself the gift of therapy. A competent and compassionate therapist will encourage and coach you to detach with love.
Dear Amy: I have been married for 16 years to a wonderful man who has an adult daughter from a previous marriage. (He was divorced for 20 years prior to our meeting.) "Cindy," has often been problematic, self-absorbed and dramatic. We have been fairly successful in coping with this and setting boundaries. She typically talks about herself exclusively and shows no interest in us. We accept that.
Now, her father is going to need surgery. She has already stated that she is going to be at the hospital and will stay with me during that time. She lives about 90 minutes away.
Amy, he doesn't want her at the hospital, but I realize this is something we are going to have to deal with. I can understand a daughter wanting to be at the hospital when her father has surgery. However, I have very mixed feelings about her "announcing" her plans without asking, and about whether I can tolerate her being at our home.
I want to minimize the stress for my husband. He says he doesn't want any of this and has to decide "what is the least worst option." What do you think?
-- Trying to Cope
Dear Trying: I'm with him. Your stress will add to his. Accept that this will be a tough time for all of you, and do your best to present a calm, accepting and united response, and keep your focus on his needs. Work with his medical team to dial down visits or drama, and to run interference if her presence is too disruptive. Set a departure date for her stay, and be firm about it, without offering extraneous explanations.
Dear Amy: Regarding #MeToo allegations, I agree with you that the onus for bad behavior lies with the perpetrator.
However, parents in our society need to teach daughters at an early age to deal with weird or uncomfortable situations. For example, and I can't believe it needs to be said, but when someone is doing something you don't like, stop smiling and practice a forceful voice.
It is not blaming the women; it is giving them life tools.
-- Using my Voice
Dear Using: For generations, women have been socialized to smile and take it. I agree that we need to teach our daughters differently.
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(You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook.)
