ArcaMax

Do not promote marriage unless you want them to get married, and it sounds as if you definitely don't. In that case, shouldn't you feel relieved that he won't commit?

You should not lead the charge against this relationship, or criticize this man or his family. You should only reflect to your daughter what you see as your own relationship values: putting your partner first, building a home and family together and committing to shared values.

She will make mistakes as she matures. But unless she comes to you and asks you, point-blank: "What do you think and what should I do?" you should let her experience this relationship in her own way.

Dear Amy: After almost 30 years of togetherness, my partner and I decided to finally tie the knot. It was very spur of the moment, and it fell into place quickly: a church wedding with only my groom, his best friend, me, the pastor, my groom's daughter and her husband, and my brother and his wife (who were visiting from out of town).

Since we had decided to keep the wedding quiet, I did not invite my older brother and his family who live a few hours away.

How do I break the news to him? I am concerned that there will be hurt feelings and, even worse, that it could cause an irreparable rift.

My husband and I thought about sending a printed announcement to our very closest friends and a few relatives -- many of whom I'm sure already thought we were married.

Would I include my brother on this list? (I do think that would be the coward's way out.) I want to minimize any emotional pain.

-- Bewildered Bride

Dear Bewildered: The wrinkle here is that one sibling was included and the other was not. Don't you think that the brother who was with you on your wedding day would mention this to your other brother?

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