Humor

/

Entertainment

Tip Sheet for Ron DeSantis Upon Returning to Florida

on

ALL-STAFF MEMO FROM THE OFFICE OF FLORIDA GOV. RON DESANTIS

Subject: One-pager of tips and talking points for the governor's reunification with Florida

(SET BOLD) Goals (END BOLD)

Gov. DeSantis has suspended his presidential campaign after realizing Iowa is cold, but not chill. Floridians waited with perverse curiosity to see if he might get to use the White House bowling alley. Now, you, Tallahassee staff, must help the governor brush up on Florida's history, business and people. This is vital, as he is "geographically" from here but identifies as more of a Midwest guy.

(SET BOLD) About Us (END BOLD)

Florida is a peninsular state bordered by the Atlantic Ocean, Gulf of Mexico, Georgia and Alabama. We are huge; it takes 12 hours to drive from Pensacola to Key West, which most spring breakers don't realize until they are halfway through both Alligator Alley and a second Big Gulp refill.

 

Indigenous people lived here for many thousands of years. Ponce de Leon made landfall in 1513 and named the region La Florida, which may translate to "Land of Ham Sandwiches" (needs fact-check). St. Augustine is our oldest city, home to the state's best haunted military fort for awkward family photos.

Florida has more than 21 million residents, third in population behind California, a liberal wasteland of crime and street corner feces, and Texas, home of stylish boots. Florida added 365,205 new residents in 2023 -- that's a thousand residents per day -- second only to Texas. This is GREAT as we definitely have enough INFRASTRUCTURE and AFFORDABLE HOUSING and INSURANCE for everyone. Please, wipe your sweat when addressing the governor.

(SET BOLD) Highlights (END BOLD)

Florida is known for beaches, state parks, trails, the Florida Everglades and tourist attractions including Kennedy Space Center, SeaWorld, Universal, Legoland, Busch Gardens and (redacted).

...continued

swipe to next page

Copyright 2024 Creators Syndicate Inc.

 

 

Comics

Blondie Carpe Diem Curtis 9 Chickweed Lane 1 and Done Bob Englehart