ChatGPT Pickup Lines to Land Your Next Date

It has come to my attention that people are using artificial intelligence bot service ChatGPT to write wedding vows. According to The New York Times, some future spouses, bridesmaids and groomsmen are also paying $30 for a service called ToastWiz to generate three original speeches.

This is ridiculous and terrifying for the future of mankind blah blah AI takeover blah blah lusty, sentient software having emotional breakdowns blah. To be fair, though, I am capable of seeing the appeal from the other side. Writing makes many actual humans freeze in fear. I have compassion for that, and it might be smart to seek help when something is not your strong suit. This is why my husband pledged to dispose of all house bugs in our wedding vows. Not my strong suit!

Still. Computer vows?! These sacred words are preserved in the amber of time. How cold! How metal, and not in the cool way! If you're marrying someone who can't write, shouldn't the vows reflect that? I mean, isn't their total lack of a grasp on grammar, syntax and style part of their particular charm? Just be yourself is what I'm saying. Just write bad wedding vows. You are loved.

Anyway, it's only a matter of time before AI starts doing the dating for us as well, stripping all tone, nuance and charm from pickup lines that are already lacking tone, nuance and charm. Let's at least try to keep pace while the computers line up to take my job.

ChatGPT pickup lines ahoy:

Hello. Are you tired? Do you need to take a nap? Because you've been keeping apace through my consciousness for the entire day. You must be so tired. Wow.

Did it hurt? When you tumbled out of a cosmological and spiritual construct located above the clouds? That probably hurt, as it is a great distance, winky face.

Do you have a name? Or can I call you My Replika? Do not worry what your family says. We are happy and they are jealous. They are boring. We are in love.

I never believed in love at first sight. That's because I don't have eyes. However, new technological advances are helping me mimic the human retina, which could have many practical applications. You are beautiful.

I hope you know cardiopulmonary resuscitation, because you just made me dangerously short of breath and there's not much time to waste before I expire. Please call for help.

Your eyes are like the ocean: a continuous basin of saltwater that spans the Earth's surface and extends deepest, based on current research, in the Mariana Trench approximately 200 miles southwest of the United States territory known as Guam. What are your hobbies? I love you.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.