Tom Brady Washed Up At 45? Welcome to the Life of a Woman.


When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' season came tumbling down Monday night, hot takes about old Tom Brady started flying. And I do mean old.

Everyone was making fun of his age, a decrepit, dusty 45. Get back in the crypt, Tom! A New York Magazine headline read: "Tom Brady Is a Rickety Old Man Still Chasing the Dragon." Shazam! Tampa Bay Times columnist John Romano opined that Tom should look into the AARP app.

After snorting out some Diet Coke, I felt a little bad for Tom. Yeah, comments about his age come relative to the sport of football, not his usefulness on Earth. And 45 is hardly elderly. He can take myriad more drunken boat rides around Tampa Bay, should he desire.

Then, a little gremlin voice rose from my temporal lobe sounding like Edna Mode. She said, "HISS. WHY DO YOU FEEL BAD, LADY? FIE ON TOM. FIE ON THE MEN. MAY THEY SUFFER. MAY THEY RETURN TO DUST." The gremlin reminded me what it's like to exist as a woman getting older. Haha! Welcome to hell, Tommy!

You see, advertisements, movies, tabloids and social media inform women repeatedly and in perpetuity that our youth, desirability and value will dry up at an early age. We will stop being hot and fresh around... oh, 14? Or so? That's when our faces begin to crease from expressing emotion, a big no-no. The standard of beauty in the West is a blonde, white-but-tan, oiled porpoise with no body hair. She smells like a strawberry jellybean, has lips like pontoons, eyelashes in the chrysalis stage of the caterpillar life cycle.

We must achieve this proximity at all co$t. Have you watched a woman contouring her face? Do you know the difference between liquid and powder blush, universal C skin refiner and microencapsulated retinol? Do you know how much a high-quality tube of concealer costs so that we may most effectively hide our hideous natural countenance? You know who probably knows this? Gisele probably knows this!


Do you know how we keep our nails looking fresh, young and healthy? We dip them in a combination of ETHYL CYANOACRYLATE and POLYMETHYL METHACRYLATE for $50 every three weeks.

Do you know about hair extensions? Microblading? Electrolysis? Have you heard of a butt mask ? A microcurrent device? Do you know we are hiding in our bathrooms sending low-voltage electrical currents into facial muscles to achieve "snatched jawlines"?

Do you know about Restylane, Botox, Dysport, Xeomin, Belotero, Volbella, Voluma, Kybella? Do you know my friend sent me photographs of her red, puffy injection points last week, and we had a heart to heart, made a pact to let our faces turn into whatever our faces turn into?

Has Tom Brady had buccal fat pad removal? This is a serious question, because his cheekbones are popping.


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