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Incredibly, the Queen's Funeral Is Still Going On: An Explainer

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Understanding Queen Elizabeth II's historic funeral is a full-time job, one I have selflessly devoted myself to undertaking. Editors, please accept my resignation for the other stuff.

Someone has to sort through the cognitive dissonance. Why does the queen's coffin linger on television so long after her death, rolling past cursed chyrons that read MYPILLOW CEO MIKE LINDELL SERVED WITH SUBPOENA AT HARDEE'S?

I am not here to disrespect Her Majesty, who was dedicated to her nation. Like many heterosexual, white women, I've been a casual royals watcher since Prince William appeared on the cover of YM magazine in 1998 as "PRINCE OF OUR HEARTS." I'm also not here to dismiss the colonizing, musty, problematic nature of the monarchy. We in the States know all about colonizing, musty problems.

Nay, I am merely here for what we in journalism call an "explainer," or alternately, an excuse to use bullet points:

-- The queen died in Scotland on Sept. 8, setting in motion Operation Unicorn, a supporting plan to Operation London Bridge. This preparedness makes sense to me. The plans involved the Church of England, the Metropolitan Police Service, the British Armed Forces, the media and many others. I have six Google docs just to visit Universal Studios in Orlando.

-- Charles became king under Operation Spring Tide. Again, I will not comment. I will strain-smile into my lap and struggle to make meaningful eye contact. A council of important people said, yeah, he's king. Charles proclaimed that, yeah, I'm king, then signed a paper that, yeah, I'm king. "How nice for Charles," I said before sliding on my Princess Diana commemorative ring from Michaels arts and crafts.

 

-- The queen's coffin moved to Balmoral Castle on Sept. 9. Two days later, it moved to the Palace of Holyroodhouse, which I can't believe is a real place. From there, it went to St. Giles' Cathedral in Edinburgh, then Buckingham Palace in London.

-- The Daily Mail reported that the "royal beekeeper informed the Queen's bees that the Queen has died and King Charles is their new boss." Privately, several senior royals wondered why the monarchy isn't taken more seriously.

-- People Magazine hammered breaking news alerts that the embattled Will, Kate, Harry and Meghan took a walk together in a show of solidarity. Yes, this funeral involves actual archers and a crown crusted in an unspeakable wealth of diamonds, but no. This. This, to me, was the most wildly royal moment. The simple act of walking while issuing icy sidelong glares.

-- The Royal Parks asked mourners to stop leaving Paddington bears and marmalade sandwiches at memorials. The jamwiches do seem like an ant trap, but banning Paddington is heretical at best.

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