My Detailed Plan to Buy Twitter Out from Under Elon Musk


You may have heard Elon Musk is trying to buy Twitter for $46.5 billion, the way Veruca Salt demanded cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts so good you could go nuts. You also may have heard financial terms such as "tender offer" and "poison pill" bandied about, because apparently publicly traded companies are structured on riddles from an ancient book of spells.

Now, I feel like this Twitter coup attempt is probably a nothingburger, like when Romy and Michele said they invented Post-its just to impress the mean kids from high school. However, one can't be too careful, and I will not have Musk buying Twitter out from under me. Yes, me.

I am not an eccentric billionaire... yet. I am working on a plan, a plan I can't reveal at this time because, well, the plan is to stumble into an inestimable fortune. That's right, stumble. One day, having done nothing of note or accomplishment, I will simply open my eyes and be gifted billions in United States currency. It might involve a long-lost great aunt named Clotilde, or maybe a trust fund kept secret until I pass a heretofore unknown ethical test. You know, like, "She did it! She gave the correct person a ride to the gas station, and now we can name her rightful heir to the Little Debbie empire!" Did I just rewrite "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"? Am I Charlie Bucket? A lot of things are making sense now, including all the cabbage...

Anyway, I'll keep you posted. But rest assured, Twitter will one day be mine. And when I own Twitter, I will institute the following rules:

--It will come with a Breathalyzer. Each user will blow before typing opinions about... well, anything, especially any reply that starts with, "Actually..." If the poster does not pass, the website will lock for a period of eight hours, the timeline replaced by a flashing message that says, "Water, sweetie."

--We need to start compensating people for high-quality original material. Anyone who writes a viral tweet gets a free dinner for two excluding alcohol because of the previous rule ($59.99 value) at Outback Steakhouse. In a separate corporate takeover, I will also own Outback Steakhouse.

--Two hundred and eighty characters is fine, unless I feel like more, in which case, I alone will get more. Eccentric billionaire! No rules, just right!

--Live TV tweet events will go in one digital location, a place users can elect to attend. That way, there are no jarring spoilers for season finales, nor contextless tweets of "OMG!!!" during real-time boxing matches such as the Academy Awards.


--No annoying promoted tweets. You're not fooling anyone that "Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore" is actually trending, sorry. I know this eliminates a revenue stream, but remember, I don't need revenue because I have stumbled into a bottomless soup and salad of fortune.

--When celebrity names are trending, they will come clearly labeled as DEAD or NOT DEAD or ALMOST DEAD, because we can't keep worrying about Harrison Ford like this!!

--There will be bottom-line quotas for entertaining cute animal content. Meet the minimum requirements or get out.

--No terrible people! That's it, that's the rule. No, I will not elaborate.


Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

Copyright 2022 Creators Syndicate Inc.


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