Slick Tricks for Quick Quitters

Bob Goldman on

Look out! There's a major new detour in your career path.

No longer is the goal to work hard and reach the top. Today, the savvy careerist works hard and reaches for their resignation letter.

"I've really enjoyed working here," you write, "but I'm going to enjoy quitting here a whole lot more."

Or so I learned in "Why is everyone quitting, and how do I know whether it is time to leave my job?" a recent article in The Washington Post by Taylor Telford and Aaron Gregg.

According to the authors, the U.S. Labor Department is reporting "a record 4.4 million people -- about 3% of the nation's workforce -- quit in September." That's on top of the 4.3 million who quit in August.

The name for this phenomenon is the "Great Resignation." What it says to me is that if you haven't quit yet, better get a move on. Nothing is more embarrassing than walking into the office, resignation letter in hand, only to learn there's no one to give it to, since everyone else has already quit.

Of course, if you're one of the poor unfortunates who really love their job, you may need help in finding a reason to quit. Before I quit writing this column, or you quit reading it, here are three factors that tell you it's time to go.

No. 1: Your boss is nice to you.

Does your manager treat you with respect? Do they shower you with scads of appreciation for your work? Beware! All those kind words are meant to lull you into a stupor. Your boss is getting ready to quit. By leaving a responsible employee in place to take up the slack and take on the pressure, your manager's own departure will seem more, well, managerial.

Don't be fooled. The minute you get an awesome review and big raise, immediately quit.

You don't want to be left holding the bag, no matter how much money is in it.

No. 2: Your boss is mean to you.


Does your manager keep assigning you work to do? That's just rude. Do they expect you to show results or complete projects when you promise to do so? That's insulting.

Listing all the slights and cruelties inflicted on you by your mean manager could make a stem-winder of a resignation letter, but it could also result in an intervention with a human resources professional, or, worse, a toe-to-toe meeting with your mean manager. My advice is to just stop coming into work. Or, if you're working from home, just sell your house and move to another city. Given the myopia of your management, you could quit your job and get a new job and quit from that job before they ever notice you are no longer on the team.

(Be warned -- quitting a job could result in your paychecks stopping, but don't count on it. Your manager is so desperate to have people to supervise, they won't want to report another defection. And who would they report it to? Company management is stressed processing and replacing the millions of employees who have left, leaving the HR nerds fully occupied giving each other exit interviews.)

No. 3: It's Monday.

It's difficult to believe, but in a working world where "Gallup data shows nearly half of American workers are actively seeking new opportunities," some bosses still expect you to show up on Mondays. A person as sensitive as you needs a buffer between the strains of the weekend and the start of the workweek, which should be Tuesday at the very earliest, and probably Wednesday, since nothing much worthwhile happens on Wednesdays, anyway. (Frankly, I don't even know why we keep Wednesday in the calendar.)

On the other hand, Monday is a glorious day to quit. Your manager will be on edge after spending the weekend wondering which of their loyal direct reports is going to be the next to go. It would be an act of mercy to march into their offices, bright and early on Monday morning, and slap your resignation letter on their desk.

In fact, they'll be so grateful they may offer you all kinds of perks and bennies to stay. And you should take it all. There won't be many times in your working life when management is so ready to shower you with love and cash.

So, enjoy your Monday. Recommit to your job and work as hard as you know how. You can always quit on Wednesday.


Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at




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