Happy New Job
The first question suggests that the interviewer knows about your history of hostility to authority figures and is trying to avoid a blowup. The correct answer is, "None of your beeswax, Buster."
The second question suggests that you are too dumb to use a map or a GPS. You'll want to answer this question by listing every turn you took to get there. Don't be afraid to show off with plenty of details. "I considered taking Wellington Street to the freeway, but decided on Florence Avenue because I can usually catch the light at Emerson, which puts me on the freeway two exits behind where I would usually get on, but gives me a chance to get into the carpool lane, which I can use even if I'm alone, because I always keep a pink plush panda in the passenger seat. Sometimes I even let him drive."
That's the kind of attention to detail that hiring managers love, and, after the interview, you can send a pink plush panda as a follow-up bribe, or even more personal, break into their home and leave it on the bed.
No. 10 is "Update Your Professional Wardrobe." I hardly think this is necessary for you, but I would check with the latest issue of GQ. This may be the year when spats go out of style.
No. 11 is "Invest in a Standing Desk." Or, even better, saw off the legs and drawers and put the desktop on the floor. That way you can get the ultimate office productivity tool -- the lying-down desk. Replace your desk chair with a pillow and you're good to go.
I would be remiss if I didn't include author Gelb's final suggestion: "Make an effort to re-connect with people you admire."
I know that would be me, and it would be the perfect time to deliver the career help I promised, but I've got to get to my lying-down desk. New Year's Day is coming, and I have still haven't met my 2017 quota for napping.
Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company, but he finally wised up and opened Bob Goldman Financial Planning in Sausalito, California. He now works out of Bellingham, Washington. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at firstname.lastname@example.org. To find out more about Bob Goldman, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.