Q: My ex and I do not have a formal holiday schedule because we both followed a religion that did not celebrate holidays. Our children, now 12 and 14, have been brought up that way. Over the last year I have met and married someone who is Christian and I converted. She does not approach Easter as religiously as some, but Easter dinner is a huge family occasion. Her kids and extended family all sit down together. I would love my kids to join us, but my children’s mom is adamant that we continue to approach holidays as we always did and will not allow the children to attend the family dinner, even though the children are scheduled to be with me at that time. The kids are excited and really want to go. She's threatening to go back to court. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: The faith in which you bring up your children is one of those things that should be discussed well in advance of having children. However, during that discussion, few anticipate how to handle it when parents break up and one changes their faith down the road. Morally, an agreement is an agreement, but when it comes to changing the way one worships, many believe they have now seen the light and want to share this new understanding with their children.

Since freedom of religion is a basic right in this country, going to court may be futile. The decision I have seen most often is that both parents are told they can take their child to the church they attend when the child is designated to be with them. I’m not saying this is the only ruling that will ever be made. I am saying, this is what I have seen most often.

To continue, even if your children’s mother doesn’t agree to the children attending, you have a court order stating the children are to be with you. Parents can’t withhold the children based on their preference.

There may be a compromise here. You are talking about a dinner, not attending church. It sounds like this is more a family celebration than a desire to convert the children to a new way of living. Based on that, a conversation about intent may be in order. That may ease mom’s concern.

I understand that she may feel as if you are not holding up your end of the bargain, and that may be coloring her approach. However, rather than get caught up in who is right and who is wrong, the issue before you now is how you will handle raising your children while their parents follow different faiths -- without badmouthing each other and confusing your children further. 

When children feel put in between their parents, that’s when you start hearing, “I don’t want to go.” It’s not that they don’t want to be with one parent and not the other. They just don’t want to have to choose which parent is right and which parent is wrong.

Our children watch the way we lead our lives and see our happiness or unhappiness in our choices. It's not about dictating your beliefs, but about setting an example that our children will choose to follow or not follow because of the example we have set. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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