Jerry Zezima: No pane, no gain

Jerry Zezima, Tribune News Service on

Published in Lifestyles

I do windows. They’re a pain in the neck, especially if I stick my neck out the window to clean a pane, but spring has sprung and, even though I am no spring chicken, I have to spring into action to do the spring cleaning that gives me a window into my life as a suburban homeowner.

I am supposed to do the windows every spring, but if memory serves (I would like it to serve me a beer, which is what I need after doing the windows), I forgot to do them last year.

So my wife, Sue, wants me to do them now.

The problem with cleaning windows, which I can clearly see even if they are dirty, is mathematical.

We have 25 windows in our house, 11 upstairs and 14 downstairs. We also have two French doors, a storm door and a partridge in the pear tree.

There is an inside and an outside to each window, which makes 50 windows. And there are two panes per window.


Total: 100 windows.

It is logic like this that caused me to flunk not only math but logic.

But I got to work recently and was on a roll — of paper towels — when I finished the roll and had to start another one.

I also had a spray bottle of glass cleaner that kept taunting me by either: (a) being off, (b) being on stream, (c) being on spray or (d) being off again.


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