They Want A Sidekick, Not A Co-Star
DEAR MISS MANNERS: It would seem my soft-spoken and polite nature attracts big personalities with a desperate need for a sidekick. I can play the background character well, out of mannerly consideration for what seems to be a desire for affirmation.
Lately, however, I'm a bit exasperated with all this nonsense. Why shouldn't a fairly attractive, well-educated and well-spoken woman such as myself also take center stage occasionally?
I'm not sure why this is a surprise to my extroverted friends. It's as if they've been struck by lightning when I "show up" for the party. I even detect passive-aggressive levels of jealous hostility and competitive behavior at times.
I'm wondering where I am missing it when vetting these types of friendships from the beginning. How do I assert my right to appear fully, in my own life, for these people who just want a shadow of me to clap for them?
GENTLE READER: The current zeitgeist calls this Main Character Energy. Miss Manners calls it narcissism. Taking advantage of a good and polite listener is not a sign of friendship, especially if occasionally asserting yourself is perceived as threatening.
Good companionship is not a competitive sport. One seeks to find intimates who are willing to share the attention and at least feign equal interest in the other person's life. The give and take should be roughly equal.
How to avoid this type of behavior in the first place? The Maya Angelou quote, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" comes to mind.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been unable to come up with an appropriate substitute for a general letter heading.
In the past, "Dear Sirs" was often used, or "Dear Sirs/Madams," but this is not gender-neutral. "To whom it may concern" sounds very pompous to our ears. Some websites have suggested "Dear Persons," but that doesn't sound correct to us.
Can Miss Manners offer a substitute?
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COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN
