Ask Amy: Sexuality might become Thanksgiving table talk

Dear Amy: My son, “Daniel,” who was in a long-term relationship with a woman and has always dated women, has now declared that he is bisexual, and is dating “Timothy.”

This is a first in our family, and I am not sure how or if I should let the rest of the family know about it.

We will be getting together for the holidays pretty soon.

Should I tell the family ahead of time or just let it be a surprise to everyone when he shows up with his new boyfriend?

My son and I live in the same city, but the rest of the family live out of our area, so they probably won’t find out about this until we get together.

They are also very conservative and I’m not sure how they will react.

Your thoughts?

– Daniel’s Mom

Dear Mom: You should start by asking “Daniel” what approach he would prefer.

Would he like for you to give family members a heads up regarding “Timothy”?

Would he like to give family members advance notice of this relationship, himself?

Would he like to arrive at a holiday gathering with Timothy and simply let other family members cope with their speculation or dawning awareness of the relationship, and let the chips fall where they may?

I tend to favor letting these two adults (Daniel and Timothy) handle this in any way they choose – subtle or not.

It is not polite to blindside relatives with revelations at the holiday table (even though many families seem to have a tradition of doing this), but your son’s sexuality is really not anyone’s business, and his relationships are his own to conduct, as long as he does so with honesty and integrity.

If family members don’t like or approve of his choices, then that is very much their problem. You should approach this with a lack of embarrassment or judgment, offering your son your motherly support.

Dear Amy: I occasionally feel quite overwhelmed by my work, family, social and household commitments. This feeling can last for several hours and I will feel quite paralyzed. Of course, this paralysis only sets me even farther back in terms of those things I need to do.

I’d appreciate some advice about how to handle this.

– Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed: This is a common experience (for me, too), and I have a few suggestions for ways to head this off at the pass.

Pay yourself first: This means that you try to start each day with aerobic exercise, preferably outside, if possible. This can be energizing and head-clearing.

Clear your workspace: Put those piles in a box (for now).

Keep a list: List everything – even small things – that you believe needs to be done that day. Start with the easiest tasks on your list and make a ceremony of crossing these items off the list as soon as you’ve completed the task. It’s so satisfying!

Break down the boxes: If you have a stack of bills to pay, tell yourself that you will start by paying two bills. There is a likelihood that once you get started, you’ll do more.

Procrastinate: Deliberately put off larger tasks that you realize don’t have to be completed that day.

Reward yourself: Set up a simple “reward” system. For instance, if you complete a more challenging task, you’ll reward yourself with a coffee break.

Breathe: When you are experiencing the familiar overwhelmed-overload and your thoughts are building into an impenetrable jumble, take a few minutes to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and let the thoughts flow through, as if they are passing through an open window.

Dear Amy: I'm writing in response to "No Offense Intended,” written by the Grandma who is unsure of what to do with her grandson's childhood photos taken prior to his gender transition.

I am a trans adult, and would love to share that there are professional digital artists that can assist in altering old photos in small ways to confirm the gender of a transitioned person!

Changing colors, shortening or lengthening hair, altering clothing styles, etc. can be accomplished without losing the precious essence of the photos.

Grandma could ask her Grandson if he would be interested in updating a selection of his older photos to confirm his gender throughout life; it would make a lovely gift for both Grandma and her Grandson!

I know I would be absolutely thrilled to have such thoughtful and loving support.

– Been There

Dear Been There: A few readers have suggested this; I think it’s a great idea.

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(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)