Ask Amy: Family contacts with abusive ex continue to hurt
I have told them how I feel, but nothing changes.
What should I do? Am I being too sensitive? Should I just relax and let it go?
— Hurt
Dear Hurt: Your family members know that their contact with your abusive ex bothers you, and yet they persist.
Letting go is something you should work on, because this will change the dynamic.
“Ed” is the father of your children. A cordial acknowledgment of that fact for your kids’ sake is all the contact that is required by your family. Their choice to hire someone who abused and hurt you, to maintain a friendship, and then to tell you about it is bullying behavior. You are a sensitive person, and your family knows this. I suspect that on some level, they need to keep you where you’ve always been — vulnerable, sensitive, slighted, and taking things personally.
Every time they bait and dangle this particular hook, you bite. Stop biting.
You must look for successful ways to cope with their behavior so that you don’t walk away feeling wounded.
Practice ways to react to this trigger with a completely neutral attitude: Sigh, breathe, release.
Ed is always going to be out there on the fringes of your life. Your family members may continue to needle you about him. But he — and they — can’t hurt you anymore because you’re stronger now than you were.
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