ArcaMax

How do you suggest we handle these events and/or this person? We are considering declining future invitations, even though we enjoy the rest of the group.

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: I’m not sure why none of the other 11 adults at the table don’t step in to ask “Jon” to display courteous and adult behavior.

We parents are forever telling our children to stand tall against bullies, and yet here you are saying you would stay home rather than ask someone you are dining with to change his tone and convey even minimal manners.

One or both of the hosts should step in when this is happening to say, “Jon, you’re a guest here. Please lower your voice, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t insult people at our table.”

Furthermore, if you are at a group event in the future and Jon behaves this way (and you genuinely believe he has ruined the evening), you should tell him so, either in the moment or afterward, when you can choose your words carefully: “Jon, last night you shouted at your friends and insulted several of us. Your behavior ruined the evening for me. This is not the first time. You don’t seem to enjoy these get-togethers, and I know I don’t enjoy them when you behave that way.”

Dear Amy: I vehemently disagree with your terrible advice to “Teacher,” who ignored her parent’s “bigotry” at family gatherings.

I could not believe that you told this woman to openly disrespect her 80-year-old parents – at their own home!

Upset

Dear Upset: These elderly people were behaving disrespectfully, with no feedback from their daughter regarding how their statements had been received over the years. I believe she owes them an honest reaction.

========

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)