ArcaMax

-- Gluten-free Hosts

Dear Hosts: You should not attempt to gauge whether "Barb's" disease is as serious as she indicates. You should simply assume that it is. I agree, however, that she is not communicating about her needs in a way designed to inspire such a Herculean effort on your part. In fact, her requirements seem quite overwhelming and are coming off as demands. She is also attempting to shift responsibility for her health from herself onto you. Don't take it on.

Instead of you communicating her needs to your other guests who are bringing food, you should suggest that she contact them. With such specific requirements, she should not trust anyone else to communicate her exact requirements.

You should assume that your best efforts might not be enough to completely decontaminate your kitchen to Barb's standards, and you should tell her so: "Hi, 'Barb,' I worry that I can't guarantee that all of the food and the kitchen area will be decontaminated the way you might need. It would definitely be safest for you to bring your own food this year. If you feel you also need to bring your own plates, silverware, etc., I assure you we won't be offended. And don't forget to bring a dish to share with the rest of the group. Looking forward!"

Dear Amy: I have four grandchildren and am planning on sending a nice check to each of them this year.

Three of my grandchildren are single; the fourth is married.

If I send the married one a check in his name only, will his wife's feelings be hurt; or if I use both names, will he feel he is only getting half of what his siblings are getting?

This is a small dilemma, I know, but it is bothering me.

-- Wondering Grand

Dear Grand: You should never assume that your married grandson will feel he received less than his siblings. He might in fact feel that way, but you should not assume it or worry about it. People lucky enough to have partners benefit from their partnership in many ways. Hang the money -- his feet are warm at night!

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