Spouse is disappointed in family's reaction to cancer
Dear Upset: On the one hand, this group text was a real-world reminder that life goes on (for others) during personal crises.
If you felt less ignored by your siblings, you might see this text exchange as a welcome respite. But you do feel ignored, and so this was a reminder that this group of people does not "see" you as you want to be seen right now.
During the group text exchange, you could have replied: "Guys, I know this is fun, but my wife has cancer. We are overwhelmed, and so I'm finding this car conversation tough to take. Not one of you has even asked about her!"
If you had done this, your siblings might have used your statement to alienate you even further ("Wow, what a Debbie Downer!"), but they would have at least been put on notice as a group that you are expecting more from them.
Many people do not know how to behave during a health crisis. It is a frequent topic in this column. And yes, cancer can definitely show you who your real friends are. But before you give up on your entire family, show them the way.
You can set up a caringbridge.org site to update friends and family, or ask individuals specifically for what you need: "Are you available to go with 'Melinda' for her radiation treatment one day next week? The treatment itself only takes about 10 minutes, but she is tired afterward. We would both appreciate it."
Dear Amy: My sister, who has been married for over 50 years, just divulged that her husband is looking at porn online, including disturbing sites. I've told her repeatedly to talk to a counselor, but so far, she hasn't.
Amy, I have my own family issues. I want to be helpful, but I wouldn't even know where to start. How do I get her to stop telling me all this personal stuff? My brother-in-law has always been a good guy in my book, so how do I handle this?
-- Upset Sister
Dear Upset: You want your sister to stop divulging "personal stuff."
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