ArcaMax

I'm trying to point out that you have a big part to play in this dynamic, because in order to change it, you're going to have to learn to back off, and not immediately jump up to volunteer your services -- especially if you aren't getting any emotional traction or reciprocation from being so generous and competent.

This morning, for instance. Did your husband ask you to solve his problem for him? Or did you know you could handle it well and volunteered because you love him and love helping him, and because helping is an important part of your identity?

Couples are supposed to help each other. Your husband needs to be given the opportunity, and the expectation, to step up and help himself, and also help you.

In order to change things at home, you're going to have to risk your husband's disapproval, as he struggles to adjust. (Now it's his turn to "get over it.")

You'll want to be clear about the tasks you're happy to continue doing, versus those things you're going to stop doing. Let him get his own coffee and make his own lunch. Maintain a neutral attitude. You should make a conscious effort at the start not to volunteer your services to take on any task that doesn't have to do directly with you, and to be more intentional about your own behavior. When you change, even a little bit, people around you will change, too.

Dear Amy: My husband and I were married last summer.

We received many generous gifts. One of my friends, though, did not give us a gift. She has mentioned several times that she "still owes us a gift."

I am over it and am not risking a friendship over something like this. My husband, however, jokes about it frequently.

Whenever I have plans with her, he says, "Make sure she pays, as she owes us a wedding gift."

Amy, his sister and her family also did not give us a gift, nor did one of his friends, and yet he never mentions them.

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