ArcaMax

"Oh no!" I cried from the bathroom.

"Honey," my husband said, "what's wrong? Are you OK?" He ran into the room, wondering, I'm sure, what kind of tragedy could have transpired with only me, the sink and the toilet present.

"I've made a terrible mistake," I said, looking at him forlornly.

"What?!" he asked.

"I used my night cream instead of my day cream, and it's daytime."

He stared at me blankly.

"What do you think is going to happen?" I asked him.

"I guess your face is going to fall asleep," he replied and left the room.

I knew my husband thought it was ridiculous that one person needed so many creams. I have my day cream and my night cream, which is heavier than my day cream because apparently one needs more moisture on their face when they sleep. I have night eye cream and day eye cream for the same reason. These are for the fine lines under my eyes which, apparently, are not moisturized enough by the other creams I put on my face. I have something called a retinol which I'm told is necessary because I'm in my 50s and the retinol helps speed up the regeneration of my skin cells, which must be dying off at the same rate as the aged eggs in my ovaries.

Then I have a neck cream (for the delicate neck area) that feels suspiciously like the day and night creams I already use. I've been told the neck creams have different anti-aging and tightening properties which, it would seem, could easily and less expensively be handled by wearing a turtleneck instead. Then there are the moisturizers with sunscreen built in, the primers with sunscreen built in, and the really expensive, really tiny jar of cream that smells like seaweed because it's made of seaweed and has extra-special firming properties. I have no idea if they work because, honestly, who wants their face to smell like fish?

When I was in college, I was a moisturizer virgin and really had no idea what, if any, lotions or creams I needed to maintain my perfect, 20-year-old skin. Every night, my roommate routinely slathered this stuff, which quite possibly smelled worse than the seaweed cream they make today, on her face. I haven't seen her in 30 years, so I can't tell you if the stuff worked, but I assume the smell of her moisturizer was so offensive the smell alone would have caused any aging skin cells she might have had to jump ship.

Naturally, I've tried to cut down on the number of creams I use mainly because:

A) They're costly.

B) They take up a lot of room in my medicine chest.

C) I have to explain this whole thing all over again to the Transportation Security Administration agents every time I travel, and they wonder why I have so many creams and lotions for one person who has only one face and is only going away for three-day trip. But when I explain the lotions have multiple uses and can also be used as bug repellent, hoof and mane cream for horses, and motor oil, I usually sail right through.

Knowing that all of this was pretty ludicrous, I decided it made sense to pare down all the creams to what was absolutely necessary.

I was just about to do this when I realized the night cream had just kicked in, and I had to take a nap because my face had fallen asleep.

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Tracy Beckerman is the author of the Amazon Bestseller, "Barking at the Moon: A Story of Life, Love, and Kibble," available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online! You can visit her at www.tracybeckerman.com.

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