How To Tell if You're Too Old To Be President

Let's talk about it: Are Joe Biden and Donald Trump too old to be president? I don't know. Maybe? Probably! They're 81 and 77. Biden is already the oldest sitting president. A win would crown either man the oldest newly elected president, a record slightly less exciting than "world's largest serving of guacamole."

Their advanced ages reflect a growing tendency of American politicians to hang around the high school parking lot in Dodge Darts long after graduation. Still, staying in power past one's prime is not a new phenomenon. Remember when the presidency of Woodrow Wilson became a scene from "Weekend at Bernie's"?

Almost 80% of Americans favor maximum age limits for elected officials, per Pew research, which might be the most Americans agree on anything? The urge to force political retirement makes sense on its face. After all, the Constitution sets minimum age limits in hopes that our leaders arrive to work with fully formed prefrontal cortexes.

In an ideal world, we wouldn't need to enshrine maximum age limits because voters could be trusted to make sound decisions about the fitness of their candidates. But -- pause to help Bernie Lomax review four separate criminal indictments -- we've seen that's perhaps not the case.

Biden recently went to the doctor but did not take a cognitive test. This comes on the heels of a special counsel report that described him as a "sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory." Yowch! Trump has bragged about passing a cognitive test, a test one expert told the Washington Post was "a very, very low bar for somebody who carries the nuclear launch codes in their pocket to pass." Cool!

Obviously, we need some fresh lettuce leaves in the salad, if you know what I mean. But as I plug in my Sharper Image massager to alleviate the aches of midlife, I can't help but think age cutoffs could be tough to define, not to mention politically perilous. Could choosing an arbitrary age eliminate an older candidate who is vastly more qualified in favor of someone who, let's just say, vapes at a "Beetlejuice" musical?

Moreover, at 40, I have started to believe that health, mental acuity, maturity and, uh, flexibility are relative. This weekend, I pinched a nerve in my neck while sleeping. It wasn't even a deep REM cycle in which one might thrash around. It was a light sleep, a few-more-minutes-doze on a Saturday as birds chirped outside. Soon, I stirred. I couldn't move my neck for two days. What is that? How could I be expected to adhere to Geneva Conventions with a crick in my neck?

Altering the Constitution to add an age cutoff would be an uphill quest, one full of political volleying, pros and cons, two-thirds votes and ratification. But! It remains free and easy to ask pointed questions to determine a candidate's spectrum of spryness before heading to the polls.

For example, the following inquiries could eliminate me from the running:

Have you ever asked anyone 12 or younger to help you use electronics?

Have you ever been excited to try out a new slang word you just learned, only to have the same young person tell you it's time to get your affairs in order because death is whispering her siren call?

Have you ever swallowed a blood pressure pill, closed the cap, set down the bottle and thought, "Did I take my blood pressure pill?"

Have you gone to the doctor and described an internal pain? Have you waited while the doctor glanced sidelong at your age on the chart? Did the doctor reply, "Yeah, that will happen"?

Have you ever felt a slight chill? Have you gone to the bedroom to grab a cardigan? Have you thought, "While I'm up, I'll just use the bathroom"? While in the bathroom, did you remember that you hadn't done your skincare? Did you apply several lotions and serums? Did you draw in close to examine ... yep, a zit next to a wrinkle? Did you mutter, "I am (insert age). How is this *@#^ possible?" Did you review the ingredients on the latest serum? Did you run a brush through your hair? Did you organize the floss drawer? Did you leave the bedroom without a cardigan? Did you sit back down and feel a slight chill?

You, too, might be too old to be president.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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