Making Your Delta Sky Miles Count for Space Tourism
Hi, and welcome to the Delta American Express Space Tourism Reserve Card.
Enclosed, you will find your exciting new credit card and all the benefits it conveys! Thank you for agreeing to the annual fee of $1.7 billion. That may seem high, but when you do the math, it works out in your favor.
Congratulations on securing 750,000 bonus miles, applicable toward all Delta space flights, domestic and interplanetary. Those depart from our spaceports in the west Texas desert, which we're sure you'll find enriching. Don't miss the restaurants and breweries, but please beware of wolves and black-tailed prairie dogs.
You've qualified for a free companion certificate on any of our shuttles. Be advised that the companion must be a billionaire, or have a billionaire parent, or be related to Jeff Bezos, or have previously undisclosed information on Richard Branson. This offer cannot be combined with any other offer, or used by anyone, ever. This companion certificate is not real.
Your Reserve Card includes one free checked bag, with up to 50 pounds (pre-weightlessness) of parachutes and sleep restraints. Your card also qualifies you for unlimited gourmet meals and drinks aboard your suborbital spacecraft. *
* We are still figuring out if Delta attendants can deploy the beverage cart at Mach 3. We will provide rain checks if opening a can of Bloody Mary mix is, at any point, deemed deadly.
While waiting to board, use your Delta American Express Space Tourism Reserve Card for access to the Space Tourism Sky Lounge, situated in an outbuilding on a ranch in Van Horn. Sky Lounges also are in select Florida locations: Sixty miles southeast of Disney in an unmarked storefront and at the Kennedy Space Center, near where they sell astronaut ice cream. Astronaut ice cream is not available in the Sky Lounge, because it is disgusting, and we're not about that.
Get closer to Extraterrestrial Medallion Status with double points on all Star Trek merchandise, Amazon.com purchases, Virgin Mobile prepaid phones, dragon sculptures, triple-caffeinated beverages, Teslas, DVD collections of "The Expanse," self-tanner, alarm clocks, private islands and subscriptions to the Washington Post.
Thank you for your patronage, and welcome to the premier Delta Space Tourism family. Together, we can experience more life in outer space.**
**It might actually be less life; we are not liable if you flail off into the deep unknown. See terms and conditions for details.
Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayeswrites on Facebook, @stephhayes on Twitter or @stephrhayes on Instagram.Copyright 2021 Creators Syndicate Inc.